Fear of What Others Think: Speaking Up and Exploring the Benefits of EMDR

This metaphor describes a shift in attention. Instead of focusing on what you want to share, you’re watching for supposed signs of your failure. The more you look for them, the more they take center stage. A simple hesitation becomes a major event. The physical reaction isn’t imagined, but constantly observing it can amplify its presence in the experience.

I like to explore this question: To whom were these words originally addressed before they became a reflection on you? Returning to the person who spoke them, to an idea, and to an intention can sometimes provide an initial point of support. This process unfolds gradually. It does not involve commanding , “Forget your fear” —an instruction as precise as asking the fog to pull over to the side of the road.

You know your subject well. You could talk about it for an hour with someone you trust. Yet, when it comes time to speak in front of a group, your throat tightens and your thoughts scatter.

Part of your attention shifts away from what you wanted to convey and toward worrying about what others might think. The problem, then, isn't just knowing how to speak. It's being able to stay focused on what you have to say.

Occasional stage fright is common in many speaking situations. The difficulty becomes more overwhelming when anxiety begins several days in advance, when situations are avoided, or when each speaking engagement leads to prolonged self-criticism.

The feared issue deserves to be clarified.

Even under the same heading—“ fear of what others think ”—the scenarios can vary greatly.

It is also important to distinguish between a fear of what might happen and an environment that is actually humiliating. Asking someone to feel more comfortable does not resolve a situation in which their words are regularly dismissed.

It’s helpful to prepare what you’re going to say. However, trying to anticipate every question and eliminate any hesitation can make the process seem endless. The person ends up setting an impossible standard for themselves: speaking only when they’re certain they won’t make a mistake.

One area of focus involves shifting the criterion for success. “Show no signs of stress” can become “convey an idea that is understandable, even when expressing emotion.” The goal remains concrete, observable, and more closely aligned with the actual purpose of public speaking.

For social anxiety disorder, specific cognitive and behavioral therapies are among the recommended treatments. They focus in particular on attention, expectations, and avoidance behaviors. NICE, Management of Social Anxiety.

TheEMDR may be considered when an episode of mockery, humiliation, or another distressing memory is involved in the difficulty. This possibility does not mean that it systematically replaces CBT, nor does it mean that a painful memory explains every fear of speaking.

I'm trying to connect the method to a specific question: What obstacles are preventing this person from participating as they would like?

In *The Presentation of Self*, published in French in 1973, Erving Goffman analyzes the performative dimension of interactions. We adjust the way we present ourselves depending on the setting, our roles, and the people present. This sociological perspective reminds us that speaking is never merely the production of sounds: it is occupying a space in front of others. Bibliographic reference for the book.

I find this approach helpful in avoiding the temptation to attribute everything to personality. A meeting where mistakes are met with humiliation is nothing like a group where people feel free to search for the right words. A mocked accent, a minority status, or an intimidating hierarchy also change the experience. Coaching must take these concrete circumstances into account—not just the way you think.

In my notebook, I would jot down this distinction: “Being visible does not mean being in danger; certain contexts nevertheless require genuine protection.” All the clinical subtlety lies in this nuance. We seek to identify a trigger linked to the past, anxious anticipation, and a currently hostile environment. These are not three different names for the same problem. Regaining one’s voice may require working through memories, gradual experiences, and sometimes the very simple right to no longer accept certain ways of being treated.

When speaking, you might imagine your own face, voice, or gestures as if you were watching yourself from the audience. This inner image can be very harsh. A moment of hesitation seems to last forever, a tremor seems obvious, and a forgotten word takes center stage. Yet this mental image does not necessarily match what others actually perceived. It should be viewed as a hypothesis, not as an accurate record.

It is helpful to specify the information on which you are basing your conclusions. 

It's not about replacing all interpretations with positive thoughts. It's about recognizing when a conclusion goes beyond what can actually be observed.

With your consent, role-playing exercises can help you compare your predictions with what actually happens. The exercise should be gradual and aligned with your goal. Someone who wants to speak up in a meeting with five colleagues doesn’t need to start by imagining a presentation in front of 200 people. The relevance of the exercise matters more than how impressive it is.

Reading each sentence aloud, avoiding eye contact, or repeating one’s introduction for hours on end can provide a sense of control. Some of these strategies are useful in certain contexts. The problem arises when they become an absolute requirement: “Without this, I can’t speak.” Preparation then risks reinforcing the belief that the situation would be unbearable without perfect protection.

You don’t abruptly abandon a strategy that puts people at ease. First, assess what it brings you and what it costs you. Does reading from a script help you convey accurate information, but prevent you from observing the audience’s reactions? Does rehearsing improve your confidence, but take up all your time and heighten the feeling that even the slightest slip-up would be catastrophic? This analysis allows you to choose a limited and reasonable adjustment.

One goal might be to take notes while freely formulating a single transition. Another might be to ask a question without preparing for each of its possible consequences. These exercises should be structured in an appropriate way; they shouldn’t be used to prove to yourself that your fear is ridiculous. The goal is to experience a sense of having extra room to maneuver, not to inflict humiliation on yourself in the name of pushing your limits.

After giving a presentation, how you reflect on it matters. If you focus solely on signs of imperfection, even a valuable contribution can end up being remembered as a failure. It can be helpful to distinguish between facts, interpretations, and your original goals.

Did you want to present an idea: was that idea presented? Did you want to speak up once: were you able to do so? These questions bring us back to the purpose of dialogue.

Remote coaching allows us to explore what happens before, during, and after you speak. Depending on your goals, we can develop progressive role-playing scenarios with your consent. These aren’t meant to make you fail, but to observe your predictions and develop alternative responses.
Progress can be modest yet meaningful: speaking up earlier in a meeting, tolerating a moment of hesitation, or not spending the entire evening replaying your performance in your mind. Your words don’t have to be perfect to have a place.