Moving Abroad: When Leaving Reopens the Wound of Abandonment
When geographical distance reawakens old insecurities
When I think of living abroad, I often picture a tree that’s been transplanted. The trunk is sturdy. The branches hold firm. The landscape changes. But underground, the roots are still searching for a place to take hold.
Via EMDR teleconsultation, patients rarely talk about the country itself. Instead, they describe a disconnect. A strange sensation. As if something no longer fits in, even though everything is “successful” on paper.
In my EMDR PEPS practice, this type of experience is never treated solely as an adjustment issue. It is viewed as a tipping point where a current situation reactivates an older pattern.
It is this perspective that allows for nuanced work, even in the context of international video therapy sessions.
Expatriation and uprooting: a system quietly losing its footing
Moving abroad isn’t just a change of country. It’s a profound shift in one’s regulatory framework.
At some point, the nervous system finds itself with fewer points of reference: the absence of one’s usual social circle, cultural reference points that are less accessible, and an emotional language that is less widely shared
less spontaneous co-regulation. Nothing abrupt. Nothing visible.
But in practice, we always observe the same thing: what had previously provided stability becomes less available. And the internal system must compensate.
Symptoms then become indicators: a feeling of unusual loneliness, diffuse anxiety without a specific cause, emotional fatigue, a sense of being out of sync with the environment. Clinical experience shows that if we stick to an “adaptive” interpretation, we miss what is actually being triggered.
When a departure reawakens a wound of abandonment, a memory that remains unspoken
In many situations, living abroad acts as a trigger. Not because the context is problematic, but because it touches on a sensitive issue: the security of the relationship.
In therapy, the work rarely begins with an overarching story. It begins with a moment. A specific moment. Returning home alone at the end of the day. Unusual silence. No response from a loved one.
And in that moment, a feeling arises. Not always articulated. But recognizable:
“I’m alone,” “I have to handle this,” “There’s no one here.”
This type of reaction does not originate in the host country. It manifests there. The nervous system does not react to geographical distance. It reacts to a memory of relational distance.
The role of EMDR in this type of issue: working on the trigger point rather than the context.
EMDR does not aim to “help people adapt” to living abroad; rather, it aims to intervene at the point where the system is actually activated.
In these situations, the task involves:
- Identify the exact moments when the sensation occurs
- Identify what the system interprets as a loss
- Access the records that support this interpretation
- Allow an update
This work isn't done through words, but through systems. You can't change perceptions with arguments. You adjust the system where it has become rigid.
Want to find out if EMDR is right for you? Let’s start by having a conversation.
EMDR via video conferencing and living abroad: Working where the activation occurs
This is where teleconsultation really comes into its own. The work doesn’t take place in a neutral office setting, but in the person’s actual environment. This often means:
- The living room
- The bedroom
- The place where we live our daily lives
In other words, where the activation moments actually occur. This framework allows for:
- Direct observation of reactions
- Faster access to triggers
- Contextualized work
In the context of international monitoring, this close collaboration makes the work more precise and better tailored.
Example of international support
When distance reignites an old loneliness
For example, I have been treating a patient who has been living in Asia for several months.
Objectively speaking, everything is in place.
Stable employment. Safe work environment. Favorable working conditions.
- A void
- Internal tension
- A feeling of being alone in the face of it all
During the session, the work did not focus on expatriation. It focused on that moment—that precise point where the system shifts.
Gradually, what appeared to be a difficulty in adapting turned out to be a reactivation of an old way of functioning, one that was already present in other contexts.
This interpretation helps us avoid treating the symptom superficially.
The approach: Distinguishing the present from what is being reenacted
In these situations, trying to reassure someone or “help them put things into perspective” is often ineffective. The system doesn’t work with explanations. It works with associations.
EMDR therapy involves:
- Expand the response
- Identify the layers involved
- Disable old associations
We are not trying to eliminate the sensation. We are removing the need for the system to produce that response.
Preparing for your first session
Go with the flow of the system; in this type of situation, rushing is counterproductive. The first session allows you to:
- Identify trigger moments
- Understanding the pathways involved
- Establish a safe working environment
We’re not trying to “solve” the problem right away. We’re creating the conditions that will allow the system to evolve without breaking down.
Conclusion
When distance no longer echoes the past, living abroad often acts as a catalyst. It does not create insecurity; rather, it brings to light a pattern that was already present.
Video-based EMDR allows us to work directly on the source of this activation, taking into account the actual context of daily life. When the system distinguishes between current distance and a past experience, the sensation changes.
And what seemed like fragility simply becomes understood information.
Wondering if this type of support might be right for you while you’re living abroad? An initial conversation can help lay the groundwork
